Arthur's Sword and The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men

The Rev. Canon Fred Van Helsing looked at his nephew Dracul.

Canon Van Helsing was a retired clergyman in the Church of England as well as a retired Oxford history don.

He was looking through a magnifying glass at the inscriptions on the sword that Dracul had found down in Cornwall.

"This claims to be the legendary Sword In The Stone of Arthurian fame," Canon Van Helsing spoke, "only Arthur or the chosen one of his descendants can remove the sword from this stone."

"Chosen One eh?" Edmund Van Helsing who was Dracul's cousin and Canon Van Helsing's son looked at the Canadian vampire hunter, "you better not visit the White House in Washington DC to meet President Obama then. Having two Chosen Ones in the same room may not be a good thing."


* * *


Renfield R. Renfield was interviewing a potential employee for Set Enterprises in his office.

He looked at the man's job application,

"I is been a fashion model in Spane will have must flown as a pielot for Are Azia leter mechaneec for Emarate Airlynes"

Renfield glared at the man, "This is the most atrocious grammar, writing and spelling I've ever come across in my life.
It says here you haven't worked in 6 months. What did you do this whole time?".

"I made fun of a beautiful Malaysian woman named Kriztine at this one particular blogging site," the man answered, "I made fun of her English writing, spelling and grammar."

Renfield pulled out a gun and blew the man's head off.

"Well, I think any future modelling career you might have had is now over," Renfield pushed a button and the floor opened and the man's head, body and chair dropped 700 metres below.

Renfield pushed the intercom button and addressed his secretary, "Is my costume from Frankie Goes Hollywood's Costume Rentals ready yet?".


* * *

Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell was sitting in Trafalgar Square watching his cat Oysterella chase all the pigeons when suddenly an individual appeared wearing a giant mouse costume.

The "mouse" ran and grabbed Oysterella.

And then ran out of the Square.

Heathcliff stood up spilling his pink hot buttered popcorn all over his white fluffy ruffled pirate shirt.

"Someone stop that mouse," Heathcliff screamed, "that mouse has got my pussy."


To be continued.